[That insistence is all the answer Wei Wuxian needed. But he wanted Jing Yuan to say it himself. Probably to even acknowledge it in the first place if he was being so dodgy about it.]
[ another exhale, heavier than the last, and he runs his hand over his face. they both know the answer to the question, but saying it? admitting it openly? something about that feels like pulling teeth. perhaps it is the habit he has carried from his last life to now, burying his own feelings deep in favour of ensuring the happiness of others. ]
...Yes. [ it is a quiet admittance, half muffled behind folded hands. ] I have cared for him for longer than I can truly remember. Not only him.
[That's the kind of mindset one bound to duty adopts, huh? Or so Wei Wuxian could discern. Jing Yuan has always been like that, maybe he was like that long before they crossed one another's path.
There's a tangible sense of satisfaction from the other line in the way Wei Wuxian sounded, as if he'd sat up pridefully from his position of leaning back.]
Is there someone else you like too? Who are these two to you?
[ wei wuxian is lucky that he is not nearby for he would be getting zapped for that tangible sense of satisfaction (a little zap isn't violence), instead he gets little more than an mildly annoyed noise. ]
Who are they to me? [ he laughs lowly. ] They are everything and had I never moved to this city I would have never realized that. I would have done anything for them were it not for the mantle of leader that hung so heavily on my shoulders in our past lives.
["They are everything." And had one drastic change not happened, he would never have realized. That tugged on an ache from a void in Wei Wuxian's heart he'd been passively aware of since joining POKEGO.
That mantle of leader no longer weight on Jing Yuan, at least not as heavily as it must have in his past life. So then.]
[ he falls silent again as the question bounces around his head. is there a reason he hasn't told them? they have all but welcomed him with opens arms, offering him a place to stay with them. they have reached out to him more than once, all but told him that he is dear to them. so why has he not done the same? ]
I'm not sure. [ a beat. ] They are happy together here, and they deserve to be happy after all that happened. I don't want to intrude on it.
... Yuan'er, are you saying you don't deserve to be happy too?
[It's exceedingly rare to hear Wei Ying take such a serious tone. But he won't stand for his friend making such an implication no matter how complicated the situation. Honestly it didn't even feel so complicated.]
If you can't think of a good reason not to tell them, then it means you should tell them. Unless they're the ones who made you believe you'd be intruding. They're not though, are they?
That isn't what I am saying. [ is it? if that isn't what he is saying then what exactly is it? he can't say for certain. what is important to him is their continued happiness, the peace they so rightly deserved in the last life but were cruelly denied. ] I am happy as long as they are, Wei Ying.
[ even if it means he must stand on the shore once again. ]
They aren't, if anything they have welcomed me back into their lives with open arms. I do not think I could part with them even if I wished to.
[Jing Yuan is happy if they are happy. But that would not leave Jing Yuan fulfilled. Is there not a moment at dawn where the stars, the sun and the moon share the same sky every day? Did he not deserve to live in that moment?]
If they have, don't you think they would want to hear how you feel about them? You're not good at coming up with a reason to not tell them. I don't know how someone so smart convinced himself to do something so stupid.
Don't you? Do you remember who was there to help you through those dark days, Wei Ying? You did not think my actions stupid then.
[ he knows his friend only means to help, to nudge him in the direction that jing yuan is already leaning towards. but, old habits die hard and he cannot help but retreat back into the shell of the arbiter-general. ]
[Congratulations, that actually got Wei Ying to shut up for a moment. A deafeningly long moment, caught between different flavors of frustration in remembering his foolishness of his young adulthood and continuing to see Jing Yuan deflect.
But it took a deflector to speak to one, didn't it? This isn't about Wei Ying.]
It's your actions now that we're talking about, Yuan'er. Your happiness. If they welcomed you back into their life, doesn't that mean they wouldn't accept you disregarding your happiness?
[He welcomed Wei Ying back despite it all. The circumstances were massively different, maybe Wei Ying didn't deserve it, but because of that he was deeply invested in seeing Jing Yuan have a bright future with these old friends.]
[ when did his friend become so wise? so logical? if the conversation was not focused on squarely on jing yuan's actions, his hesitance to allow himself the happiness he wants so desperately for others, he would think to tease wei wuxian. he would think to tell him how proud he is of his dear friend, of how far he has come since those troublesome days.
but those words stay lodged in his throat, much like the feelings he's kept so stubbornly under lock and key. ]
I cannot speak for them, nor can I give you a good enough reason for why my lips have remained so sealed. Were it a simpler matter, then perhaps I would have already spoken my piece. But the matters of the heart are never simple and I do not wish to invite potential disaster on the hard won life they have built for themselves.
Perhaps it is stupid, but I cannot risk losing them again. [ not like her, slipping through his fingers just as she did last time. ] People are easily misread, especially in matters such as these, and I do not want to risk what connection we have now in the hopes for more.
[A life of mistakes followed by remembering two more of the same gives a man a different perspective. It's a good thing this wasn't about Wei Wuxian. God knows he wasn't praised often and such a tease actually would make him fumble a little.
He'll concede that matters of the heart were very, very complicated and that he didn't know all sides involved. But call it intuition, Wei Wuxian had the feeling that as sensitive as this situation was a man wouldn't let Jing Yuan carry him across the island and all but cuddle against him if sharing would invite disaster.]
What makes you so sure it will invite disaster? You won't know unless you take the chance. If you don't and you miss it, won't that be worse for your happiness and theirs if they wanted you to say something all along? You have been talking about their happiness this entire time.
[ 'you may not find them in the next life, yuan'er.
he falls silent at those words and a moment passes, then another, and another. it is true he may very well not find them in the next life, or worse the past will repeat and he will find himself at arms length once again. alone with an ache that never fades as the same tragedy befalls them all and he is helpless to prevent it. the thought sits heavily on his shoulders, learned habits from his previous life clashing violently wei wuxian's words.
didn't blade call him someone dear? didn't dan heng invite him to move in with them? had he truly not considered that jing yuan himself may be a part of that happiness he is so determined to protect? perhaps wei wuxian is right to call him stupid. ]
You may be right, I may not find them in the next life. Although I am afraid it is not as simple as telling them all that has sat in my chest.
[It isn't even a bad thing he went quiet. In fact, that's exactly what Wei Wuxian was looking for. It means he's thinking about it. Maybe realizing that what he said was downright silly.
He leaned back in his chair again as the long silence lingered and eventually was broken. His tone in the follow up made it sound like he was as carefree as ever.]
It's not as complicated as thinking you're going to ruin everything either. [Pot meet slightly unaware kettle.] You'll find the chance the more you stay with them. Don't you always find the best opportunities?
[Yes, this is different from the 5-D Chess Jing Yuan tends to play but considering he played 5-D chess to gaslight himself Wei Wuxian figured he still wasn't wrong.]
[ that drags a low chuckle from the back of his throat, of all the people saying such things to him it is not lost on jing yuan that it is wei wuxian. the situation may be vastly different but he cannot help but find amusement in the swaps of their roles. ]
Dan Heng asked me to move in with them before we came to this island. [ the fates have already begun to push the pieces into place. ] The opportunity will likely arrive sooner than you might think.
[ notably this is the first time he mentioned either of them by name, but don't worry about it. ]
You know me too well, Wei Ying, and you are a good friend.
Oh? So the other is Dan Heng! You move so fast, Yuan'er. [He sounds positively delighted by this. You have massively fucked Dan Heng over. Congratulations. Like sure he is genuinely happy Jing Yuan has found people and Dan Heng deserved to be happy indeed but also.]
Of course I do, we've known each other for a long time. You can't keep dragging your feet for long if you're living under the same roof together. You're not gonna prove me wrong, right? [Said with the tone of knowing damn well the worst thing in the world is to admit Wei Wuxian is right.]
was that by accident or was it intentional? it is hard to say. but alas he cannot take back his words now. ]
Ah, yes he is. Although the only move I made was to visit them, everything else fell into place without my intervention. [ or more specifically he was forbidden from leaving after all that happened, something that benefitted them all it seems. ]
I would never dream of such a thing.
[ you little demon, just you wait you'll get yours. ]
You're so nice! [There is a minute shift in his tone, showing that he's genuine, but he still sounded like the little shitkicker that he was.] I'll be cheering you on, Yuan'er.
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You do, don't you?
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...Yes. [ it is a quiet admittance, half muffled behind folded hands. ] I have cared for him for longer than I can truly remember. Not only him.
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There's a tangible sense of satisfaction from the other line in the way Wei Wuxian sounded, as if he'd sat up pridefully from his position of leaning back.]
Is there someone else you like too? Who are these two to you?
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Who are they to me? [ he laughs lowly. ] They are everything and had I never moved to this city I would have never realized that. I would have done anything for them were it not for the mantle of leader that hung so heavily on my shoulders in our past lives.
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That mantle of leader no longer weight on Jing Yuan, at least not as heavily as it must have in his past life. So then.]
Is there a reason you haven't told them here?
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I'm not sure. [ a beat. ] They are happy together here, and they deserve to be happy after all that happened. I don't want to intrude on it.
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[It's exceedingly rare to hear Wei Ying take such a serious tone. But he won't stand for his friend making such an implication no matter how complicated the situation. Honestly it didn't even feel so complicated.]
If you can't think of a good reason not to tell them, then it means you should tell them. Unless they're the ones who made you believe you'd be intruding. They're not though, are they?
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[ even if it means he must stand on the shore once again. ]
They aren't, if anything they have welcomed me back into their lives with open arms. I do not think I could part with them even if I wished to.
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[Jing Yuan is happy if they are happy. But that would not leave Jing Yuan fulfilled. Is there not a moment at dawn where the stars, the sun and the moon share the same sky every day? Did he not deserve to live in that moment?]
If they have, don't you think they would want to hear how you feel about them? You're not good at coming up with a reason to not tell them. I don't know how someone so smart convinced himself to do something so stupid.
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[ he knows his friend only means to help, to nudge him in the direction that jing yuan is already leaning towards. but, old habits die hard and he cannot help but retreat back into the shell of the arbiter-general. ]
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But it took a deflector to speak to one, didn't it? This isn't about Wei Ying.]
It's your actions now that we're talking about, Yuan'er. Your happiness. If they welcomed you back into their life, doesn't that mean they wouldn't accept you disregarding your happiness?
[He welcomed Wei Ying back despite it all. The circumstances were massively different, maybe Wei Ying didn't deserve it, but because of that he was deeply invested in seeing Jing Yuan have a bright future with these old friends.]
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but those words stay lodged in his throat, much like the feelings he's kept so stubbornly under lock and key. ]
I cannot speak for them, nor can I give you a good enough reason for why my lips have remained so sealed. Were it a simpler matter, then perhaps I would have already spoken my piece. But the matters of the heart are never simple and I do not wish to invite potential disaster on the hard won life they have built for themselves.
Perhaps it is stupid, but I cannot risk losing them again. [ not like her, slipping through his fingers just as she did last time. ] People are easily misread, especially in matters such as these, and I do not want to risk what connection we have now in the hopes for more.
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He'll concede that matters of the heart were very, very complicated and that he didn't know all sides involved. But call it intuition, Wei Wuxian had the feeling that as sensitive as this situation was a man wouldn't let Jing Yuan carry him across the island and all but cuddle against him if sharing would invite disaster.]
What makes you so sure it will invite disaster? You won't know unless you take the chance. If you don't and you miss it, won't that be worse for your happiness and theirs if they wanted you to say something all along? You have been talking about their happiness this entire time.
You may not find them in the next life, Yuan'er.
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he falls silent at those words and a moment passes, then another, and another. it is true he may very well not find them in the next life, or worse the past will repeat and he will find himself at arms length once again. alone with an ache that never fades as the same tragedy befalls them all and he is helpless to prevent it. the thought sits heavily on his shoulders, learned habits from his previous life clashing violently wei wuxian's words.
didn't blade call him someone dear? didn't dan heng invite him to move in with them? had he truly not considered that jing yuan himself may be a part of that happiness he is so determined to protect? perhaps wei wuxian is right to call him stupid. ]
You may be right, I may not find them in the next life. Although I am afraid it is not as simple as telling them all that has sat in my chest.
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He leaned back in his chair again as the long silence lingered and eventually was broken. His tone in the follow up made it sound like he was as carefree as ever.]
It's not as complicated as thinking you're going to ruin everything either. [Pot meet slightly unaware kettle.] You'll find the chance the more you stay with them. Don't you always find the best opportunities?
[Yes, this is different from the 5-D Chess Jing Yuan tends to play but considering he played 5-D chess to gaslight himself Wei Wuxian figured he still wasn't wrong.]
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Dan Heng asked me to move in with them before we came to this island. [ the fates have already begun to push the pieces into place. ] The opportunity will likely arrive sooner than you might think.
[ notably this is the first time he mentioned either of them by name, but don't worry about it. ]
You know me too well, Wei Ying, and you are a good friend.
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Of course I do, we've known each other for a long time. You can't keep dragging your feet for long if you're living under the same roof together. You're not gonna prove me wrong, right? [Said with the tone of knowing damn well the worst thing in the world is to admit Wei Wuxian is right.]
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was that by accident or was it intentional? it is hard to say. but alas he cannot take back his words now. ]
Ah, yes he is. Although the only move I made was to visit them, everything else fell into place without my intervention. [ or more specifically he was forbidden from leaving after all that happened, something that benefitted them all it seems. ]
I would never dream of such a thing.
[ you little demon, just you wait you'll get yours. ]
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You're so nice! [There is a minute shift in his tone, showing that he's genuine, but he still sounded like the little shitkicker that he was.] I'll be cheering you on, Yuan'er.